In class we have been working on descriptive writing, this is mine:
Mighty paws padded across the muddy enclosure. It prowled, back and forth, along the other side of the glass. Ruining the continuous sunset orange, charcoal black stripes cover its entire body of soft damp fur. Its purr was as silent as the dead of the night. Then suddenly the tiger's dangerous dagger like teeth snarling as if to say it was hungry... By Courtney
Version 2: Mighty paws padded across the muddy enclosure. It prowled, back and forth, along the other side of the glass. Charcoal black stripes ruined the continuous sunset orange of its soft, damp fur. Its purr was as silent as the dead of the night. Then suddenly the tiger's dangerous, dagger like teeth turn into snarl as if to say it was hungry... By Courtney Isn't he beautiful, and they amazed my, the way they just wandered, gracefully, around their space. I like your use of language features Courtney - I am not sure about the sentence in the middle, about the sunset and fur - I find it hard to follow what you are talking about. Perhaps the structure needs changing to improve clarity? Is it the teeth that are snarling? Mrs C
Great - you have only made small changes, but it makes a big difference to the readers ability to understand your description. Well done
In class we have been working on descriptive writing, this is mine:
Mighty paws padded across the muddy enclosure. It prowled, back and forth, along the other side of the glass. Ruining the continuous sunset orange, charcoal black stripes cover its entire body of soft damp fur. Its purr was as silent as the dead of the night. Then suddenly the tiger's dangerous dagger like teeth snarling as if to say it was hungry...
By Courtney
Version 2: Mighty paws padded across the muddy enclosure. It prowled, back and forth, along the other side of the glass. Charcoal black stripes ruined the continuous sunset orange of its soft, damp fur. Its purr was as silent as the dead of the night. Then suddenly the tiger's dangerous, dagger like teeth turn into snarl as if to say it was hungry...
By Courtney
Great - you have only made small changes, but it makes a big difference to the readers ability to understand your description. Well done